The virgin Lara Croft droolers Vs. the Chad Joanna Dark admirers
The FPS campaign that set the bar for badassery
Joanna Dark was an FPS icon who should’ve remained the queen of the genre – if only she hadn’t vanished into the gaming void like a cool aunt who left for smokes and never returned. Perfect Dark Zero was a game so catastrophically mid that it took the entire franchise down with it, like a shitty prequel to a movie no one asked for. But the original Perfect Dark – the game that let you dual-wield laptop guns and interrogate cigar-chomping conspiracy theorists – took GoldenEye 007 and cranked it to absurd levels only the late ‘90s could deliver. Rare’s N64 masterpiece didn’t just have cyberpunk espionage and alien conspiracies; it had enough glorious cheese to make a Girl Scout cookie stand look like a government psyop. One minute you’re sneaking through a skyscraper, the next you’re teaming up with a wisecracking alien to stop a lizard-man. Ridiculous, over-the-top, and absolutely brilliant! Perfect Dark was one of the earliest FPS campaign experiences that made you feel like you were starring in your own sci-fi blockbuster, not just playing a game.
I have plenty of nostalgia for Goldeneye, the multiplayer was revolutionary and the campaign was decent- but in 2000, Perfect Dark took everything to the next level – mainly because it had a story that didn’t feel like it was written on the back of a napkin during a vodka binge. Perfect Dark was the full package: futuristic technology, mind control, conspiracies, and a total baddie who kicks major alien ass! The campaign wasn’t just ‘shoot bad guys’ like in GoldenEye – (Okay, it was eventually about that), but it also had you crawling through skyscrapers, teaming up with aliens, and doing things that made you wonder if Rare was secretly working for the government’s most questionable black-ops division. Who else could’ve come up with this mess?!
Here’s the plot- Lizard people, corporate douchebags, and shady aliens are up to no good… they’ve started causing trouble in the neighborhood, so secret agent Joanna “Jo” Dark grabs her laptop gun, kicks ass, and leaves a trail of dead aliens and pissed-off bureaucrats in her wake. The story is a fun, twisted mess, and the missions are a perfect mix of stealth, action, and all-out insanity. It was one of the best looking games on the N64, making most of the other titles look like they were drawn with crayon. Rare continued to prove that whatever genre or themes they touched they’d turn into pure, unadulterated gold. Jo was originally modeled after actress Winona Ryder, and you can definitely see the resemblance – both have that cool, edgy spunk with a touch of mystery. Ms. Dark is a fierce lady but she never needed to flaunt her assets like Lara Croft to be taken seriously – she was too busy saving the damn universe. (Some of us just have better taste)
Just like the legendary Goldeneye split-screen, the multiplayer was pretty cool too – insane bot battles, gadgets that made no sense (but worked), and enough chaos to make your friends question why they ever agreed to even play with you. It was pure, unfiltered fun, with more creative ways to destroy your pals than you could count.
Now, if you’re looking to play this masterpiece today you can grab the Perfect Dark HD remastered on Xbox – it’s got updated graphics, smoother controls, and the nostalgic magic without the N64’s stupid controller cramping your hands into a pretzel. I really hope to see this gem ported over onto modern consoles (a sentiment I hope to see for most older games that are being held hostage on outdated hardware). If you’re feeling extra retro, dust off an old N64 and relive the good ol’ days with the original, but the remaster’s pretty much the sweet spot if you want to experience it with modern convenience while keeping that classic vibe.
On a mission, not a vacation,
Mikhail
Verdict: 9.5/10