A Game, A Scam, A Scream!
Gaming history has left behind a mass cemetery of stupid-ass gimmicks. Remember the Power Glove? – I don’t because I wasn’t alive for it, but it looked like some cheap futuristic oven mitt. Or what about the Xbox Kinnect? – which had the tracking accuracy of a blindfolded crackhead. Of course, I couldn’t go without mentioning my personal favorite; the exclusive Resident Evil Chainsaw Controller. How in the Sam-fuck are you even supposed to play with that thing?! It looked like you’d be trying to finger-paint with a sledgehammer… just awkward and horrible. But among all these failures that I thankfully avoided – either because I wasn’t born yet or was just old enough to realize they’d be a giant waste of time – there was one I got suckered into…
Christmas morning, 1999 (I think) – I tear open the wrapping paper, heart pounding and full of glee, and there it is: Hey You, Pikachu! What the hell am I even looking at?! According to the giant box it came in, this was the future. I was intrigued. How naive I was… I plugged in that ridiculous microphone, expecting a magical bond with my new electrical pet rat. That wasn’t the case. Not at fucking all. Instead, here’s what I got… Immediately, and I mean fucking IMMEDIATELY I’m face-to-face with this fuzzy little yellow bastard who ignores me like a deadbeat father. “Pikachu, pick up the apple!” Nothing… “Pikachu, Pick up the apple!” I shout, my tiny child brain beginning to vibrate with frustration. He stares blankly, scratches his ass, and walks the other way. “PIKACHU, YOU LITTLE SHIT!”. I recall thinking, “Maybe I just didn’t set it up right. Perhaps I have a busted microphone?” So I unplug it, plug it back in, hold it a little closer and try again. Same shit. This time, I’m full-on yelling, “PIKACHU, PICK UP THE APPLE, YOU STUPID FUCKING COCKSUCKER!” (I probably didn’t say this as I was 5 but you get the point, I was pissed) Hours later, I’m still yelling at this little shit as he tosses all my collected items into a river like the tiny psychotic goblin that he is. This was supposed to be my Pokémon Tamagotchi-style adventure, but instead, I’m getting trolled by a small yellow rodent who clearly hates me.
Hey You, Pikachu! was a goddamn disaster. The whole thing was supposed to be revolutionary, but what I got was a broken toy and a mic that couldn’t hear jack shit. Was I supposed to be speaking in fluent Japanese to get him to listen or does he really just have the selective hearing of a fucking brick wall?! Half the time, Pikachu acted like he was straight-up ignoring me on purpose like a rebellious teenager who just found out the truth about Santa Claus. When he did move, it was usually to run in the opposite direction of whatever I asked. I actually remember sitting there, getting so desperate that I’d try the reverse psychology trick – saying the exact opposite of what I wanted him to do, just to get him to listen. But that little bastard knew. I’m telling you, HE FUCKING KNEW! He’d still ignore me and do the opposite, like he had some psychic link to my frustration.
My breaking point was when I kept trying to get Pikachu to follow me, but instead, that little shit drops to the ground, sniffing like he’s searching for buried treasure. He’s down there, face in the dirt, like he’s trying to find his lost car keys after a drunken blackout. I scream, “What the fuck are you doing, Pikachu?!” He looks up, zero fucks given, and goes right back to sniffing. That was the last middle finger I could take from this zappy rat bastard. After that, I just gave up and never looked back…
Hey You, Pikachu! was a cosmic joke played by Nintendo on a generation of innocent children like me who thought they were getting a Pokémon buddy-adventure and instead got roasted by a little furball tyrant with a vendetta. The gameplay is fucking terrible and consists of a little monster who would rather stand there and watch the virtual grass grow then help you out. The microphone might as well have been a fucking potato for all the good it did. Pikachu was more of a passive-aggressive dickhead than a loyal companion, and the whole thing felt like being stuck in a bad relationship where you do all the work, and Pikachu just takes a shit in the corner. Do yourself a favor – don’t even think about going back to this trash. It’s a time-sucking, soul-crushing nightmare, and no one, not even Pikachu, deserves to go through that again. You don’t gotta catch this one, nor will it even allow you to.
Fuck you, Pikachu!
Mikhail
Verdict: 2/10