Striking Distance Studios sadly Struck Out
The Dead Space Remake was spectacular. After ten solid hours of blood-soaked bliss carving through space mutants, I knew I needed more. When I saw Striking Distance Studios debut title The Callisto Protocol was free on the PlayStation Store – and knowing it was pitched as a spiritual successor, I figured, why not keep the adrenaline going? I mean, they basically look like space horror twins…
*Sigh* … Going directly from the stellar Dead Space Remake to a clunky, budget-bin imitation like Callisto was like enjoying a nice relaxing day at the spa, and then at the end, the masseuse comes over and elbows you in the stomach, claiming it’s for “deep tissue healing”. You play as that actor, Josh Duhamel, who you recognize from stuff but couldn’t quite place until just now. Your character, Jacob Lee, is a cargo pilot who ends up in Black Iron Prison after a series of poor events. The place is a mess, poorly run, and quickly becomes a nightmare as things spiral out of control.
I really don’t need to dive deep into the gameplay here. Again, you’re basically playing shitty Dead Space. And yeah, I know Dead Space itself is kind of just a rehash of Resident Evil 4 if you strip it down to its core mechanics, but the difference is, Dead Space is good – It’s fun. It’s atmospheric as hell with a gripping psychological narrative. This?! This shit is just a hollow knockoff. Throughout the game, your main weapon – akin to Dead Space’s Plasma Cutter – is the stun baton, and it absolutely sucks. It feels like you’re swinging a fucking pool noodle at mutated hellbeasts. From the moment you start, it’s clear this game is trying to be something it’s not. The combat is sluggish, the enemies are frustratingly repetitive, and it never seems to give you a fair chance to feel like you’re making progress. It’s a constant grind of cheap jumpscares, awful AI, and broken mechanics that make you question if they even playtested the damn thing. It’s like they took all the worst aspects of survival horror, slapped a fresh coat of paint on it, and hoped nobody would notice. But you do notice. And it’s maddening.
This game isn’t even “We have Dead Space at home.” The Fail-isto Protocol is more like “We ordered Dead Space on Temu.” The story when compared to Dead Space’s feels like one of those straight-to-VHS sequels Disney would regularly crap out in the ’90s, with none of the charm or effort of the original (and thankfully it isn’t actually related). The high-budget graphics might look pretty, but they can’t hide the fact that the script is absolute garbage. There’s no emotional weight, no compelling characters, no real sense of purpose behind any of it. It’s all flash, no substance.
I try to engage and find something good, even when the overall gaming experience is overwhelmingly negative. But with The Ballistic Polio, it feels like I’m reaching for something that just isn’t there. I kept telling myself, “There’s gotta be something redeeming here.” Just one solid moment that makes it all worthwhile… Sadly no. This game isn’t just a letdown, it’s space trash. It promises to be terrifying and gripping, but instead, it’s just a tedious, frustrating mess (especially in the final few chapters) that leaves you drained, not scared. But hey, there’s always the REDACTED DLC bonus chapter for anyone that enjoys feeling trapped in space jail. C’mon, you’ll get to see the real ending. I didn’t, and neither should you. Some doors are meant to stay sealed.
Clocking out of cosmic timeout,
Mikhail
Verdict: 4/10