Grapple your way through chaos, with a bionic arm and zero fucks given!
During my early high school years, while I was busy not talking to girls, going to parties, or playing sports like those regular twats, I spent most of my free time scrolling through my GameFly subscription for anything that seemed halfway worthwhile. I’ve been cursed with the endless backlog gamer syndrome for as long as I can remember (I know I’ll never catch up. Don’t you think I already know that, you smug bastard?!) Look, I know not every game’s gonna be a hit, but Bionic Commando? That one sticks in my memory like a bad Tinder date — awkward, full of weird surprises, and way too into grappling. I suppose by 2025, the grappling hook gimmick feels like a pitiful cry for attention but for 2009 standards it was still fun. I can’t pretend I didn’t have a stupid amount of fun with it at the time.
Made by Grin, yet another defunct studio, the game is actually a sequel to the 1988 NES title of the same name. Here’s the premise; Nathan — I shit you not — “Rad” Spencer has been rotting in prison for years after getting framed for crimes he didn’t commit. But instead of letting him enjoy his undeserved jail time, the government decides to dust him off, slap his bionic arm back on, and drop him into a nuked-out city crawling with terrorists. Nathan has a bionic arm because the government decided to turn him into a science experiment after he lost his real arm during a combat mission. You gotta admit though – the arm is pretty fucking sweet. It can grapple onto helicopters, smash through concrete, and probably open pickle jars like a champ!
The gameplay of Bionic Commando is all about swinging through levels using that ridiculous arm like you’re auditioning for a role in a Spider-Man movie. You grapple, swing, and fight your way through crumbling cities, dealing with terrorists and absurdly large explosions. The best part? That arm is not just for grappling, but also for tossing enemies around like empty beer cans, making you feel like a superhero with temperament issues. It’s a wild mix of platforming and combat, and for all its weirdness, it’s pretty satisfying when you execute that perfect swing.
But then there’s the bad… Oh, sweet Jesus. The controls? A goddamn nightmare. Playing as Nathan feels like you’re trying to control a fucking rhinoceros riding a skateboard. It’s an uncontrollable disaster like a freight train with no breaks, and by the time you manage to land a perfect grapple, you’re just relieved you didn’t crash into a wall and die for the 15th time. The camera controls are so bad, it’s like they handed a toddler a drone and told it to follow Nathan while riding on a rollercoaster.
Now, let’s go back to the good. Actually, this is my favorite part of the whole game. So, you’re facing off against this giant robot snake boss, right? The guy on your intercom, all serious, is like, “You just have to fight it!” You gear up, get ready for the epic showdown… and then the damn thing just bodies you in one hit, game over. Classic. But here’s the kicker — the encounter resets, and this time, Nathan’s intercom guy, with the same level of casual indifference you’d expect from a guy who’s been stuck in this nightmare for too long, drops the line: “You just have to fuck it.” And I remember, I legit thought I was hearing things. But nope, the game just went there. And it doesn’t stop.
The whole game’s like that, just out of nowhere with the bizarre humor. Another gem? Near the end, when you’re about to fight the big bad German dude, he starts monologuing like he’s auditioning for a Shakespeare play. Then you have the option to cut him off mid speech with a beautiful, “WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” It’s fantastic. It’s like they realized they were making a game that doesn’t take itself seriously and just leaned into it. They don’t make ’em like this anymore.
Without giving too much away, let’s just say that Nathan’s bionic arm isn’t just a fancy tool for destruction – it’s got a personal connection that adds an absurd layer of drama to the whole thing. It’s definitely one of those “you’ve got to be kidding me” twists, but somehow it fits perfectly with the game’s “who gives a shit?” tone.
Bionic Commando is yet another game being held hostage on prior hardware like the PS3 and Xbox-360 and we can only hope that one day these games will be able to see the light of day on current consoles again. I know it sounds like I was mostly bitching, but I actually did like this game. It’s stupid fun. Like a fast-food cheeseburger. Easily digestible despite being bad for you. In the end, Bionic Commando may be a tangled mess, but at least it knows how to hook you in.
Whoa, is that a long health bar or are you just happy to see me?
Mikhail
Verdict: 7/10