More like: God, I fell for that?
You ever get a frozen pizza from the store because you’re starving, and you convince yourself, “Hey, this is gonna be fine.” You toss it in the oven, set the timer, and start imagining how crispy and cheesy it’s going to be. Then, when it’s done, you take it out and the cheese is barely melted, the crust is soft and limp, and the toppings look like they were thrown on by someone who just doesn’t give a shit. You eat it anyway because you’re hungry, but every bite is just you thinking, “This is not what I wanted at all.” This is exactly the feeling you will get when playing Godfall. It entices you (at the time) being a sleek-looking next-gen PS5 exclusive and ends up serving you the gaming equivalent of a soggy, flavorless frozen pizza. Once you take that first bite, you’re stuck with a bland, repetitive grind that’s as unsatisfying as it is forgettable. What you thought would be an epic feast quickly becomes an uninspired chore, leaving you wondering why you even bothered in the first place.
Just like the frozen pizza analogy, you also end up regretting the time you spent on it. You could’ve just made a salad instead you fat bastard! I can’t say the game is outright Godawfall but every aspect of it is just too damn safe! It checks all the boxes without ever pushing the envelope in any manner. The game is far too comfortable in its mediocrity. It’s biggest sin however is the fact that it’s so brain-liquefyingly BORING! The kind of boring that makes folding laundry seem thrilling by comparison. It’s not just dull – it’s the kind of bland that seeps into your bones and makes you wonder if fun was ever real to begin with.
The gameplay in Godfail is, I guess, technically gameplay in the same way plain oatmeal is technically food. You swing your weapon with all the enthusiasm of someone half-heartedly vacuuming their apartment. It’s another third-person hack-and-slash with RPG mechanics and looter grinding and it’s about as aggressively basic as they come – you mash buttons through repetitive combos until everything is dead. The loot system throws gear at you constantly, but the upgrades feel incremental and mostly meaningless, with new swords and armor differing more in color than in how they actually play. The Valorplates – the game’s signature armor sets – offer minor variations in stats and a super move, but they all play nearly identically. Missions are short, linear, and largely revolve around killing groups of enemies in bland arenas before moving on.
Everything about the look of the game is like someone Googled “high-fantasy clichés” and just hit copy-paste a hundred times. Nothing even has the decency to try to be original. NOTHING! Every character, every enemy, every environment, every stupid floating rock is all so god-smackingly forgettable. It’s like the developers were allergic to creativity. There isn’t a single pixel of this game with a shred of unique thought behind it. Every corner of Godpiss feels like it was pulled from some prepackaged fantasy asset library, slapped together with zero effort or originality. It’s like they took every fantasy cliché, tossed it in a blender, and somehow managed to make it all more forgettable than the last thing they copied. every so-called “epic” vista feels like it’s been done a thousand times before, but somehow done worse. It even feels/looks like one of those fictional video games you’d see on a poster inside of another game you’re playing. It’s the kind of game that feels like it was made by someone who wanted to get the job done quickly. Just fill in the blanks, tick the boxes, and call it a day cuz I’ve got places to be. The end result is a game that looks and feels like it’s been assembled by an algorithm that forgot the part where it was supposed to be interesting. But screw it, because we’ve got deadlines!
Should you play it? Absolutely fucking not! You could spend your time doing literally anything else. You may as well just watch the QVC channel all afternoon – you’d be reaching about the same level of excitement. Smogball offers you nothing that you haven’t seen a thousand times before, and none of it is even done well enough to be worth remembering. The combat is shallow, the story is non-existent, and the visuals, though shiny, are as enticing as a moldy Triscuit. Don’t waste your time. If you’re looking for a game that actually does something, ANYTHING – this isn’t it. I award this game such a low rating, not because it’s low-quality (it is), but because even bad games can be entertaining in their own way – Snotwall however, offers nothing but a soul-sucking void of mediocrity. I couldn’t recommend a game less if it was just a menu screen.
God that fell flat,
Mikhail
Verdict: 3/10