A haunting crime for all the wrong reasons
I ‘suspected’ that this game would murder my soul
If you’re even half as ADHD as I am and spend more time death-scrolling through digital bargain bins than actually playing the games, you’ve probably noticed a certain title that’s been sitting at around a dollar for what feels like the last decade. Like a haunted price tag cursed to never rise, Murdered: Soul Suspect has become a permanent fixture in the under-$5 graveyard – forever cheap, forever waiting. For about the same price as a can of Coke Zero, you too can attempt to solve your own homicide case.
Murdered: My Entire Afternoon is not a good game. But it’s weird enough to finish out of spite; if you have a couple hours to spare (you’re dead anyway, you’ve got nowhere to be). The game puts you into the ghostly boots of Detective Ronan O’Connor, who gets murdered within the first five minutes (Spoiler Alert! – oops, did I write that too late?), and you must now investigate why. As a ghost, you can walk through walls, possess cats, and eavesdrop on conversations like a nosy Victorian grandma. Unfortunately, none of that makes the actual detective work any more interesting – it mostly involves staring at glowing objects until the game decides you’re done thinking.
Murder She Wrote: Shitslop claims its stealth-action – but it’s about as stealthy as a bagpipe parade at the library. There’s perhaps a collective five fucking minutes of actual stealth, or dare I say, “gameplay“, in this slog of a ghost tour – and that’s not even until the last half hour when you’re already half asleep. The game controls are janky, oddly slow, and the “detective work” feels like spiritual busywork. I guess it looks pretty; I mean, maybe for the time (2014). It’s the gaming equivalent of finding a half-eaten donut on the sidewalk and thinking, “Well, I mean… how bad could it be?” You best stop believing in ghost stories, because if they’re as bad as this then I don’t want to be in one.
To be honest, even the title of this so-called “Murder-Phantom Mystery” is fucking dumb. “Murdered: Soul Suspect”? I’m getting sick of these stupid ass titles. Possessing the cat is just about the highlight of the entire thing, which says a lot about the game. You get to slip into the furry little hellion’s body and silently stalk around, but all you really do is knock over garbage cans and mildly confuse NPCs. Plus, let’s be honest — if the cat could talk, it’d probably tell you to find a better hobby or just play a better game (like Stray or Kitten Canon — iykyk).
Murdered: Drooling Suckass is the gaming equivalent of a cheap, unfinished haunted house… made of cardboard and clearance Party City decorations. It’s got a spooky premise, a ghost cop, and a murder mystery that only occasionally feels like it’s going somewhere. But really, it’s just a long, drawn-out tour of the afterlife with a few cat possession moments thrown in for some whatever reason. If you’re looking for a quick, weird distraction to kill a few hours — and only a few hours — then sure, take the dollar plunge. But if you’re hoping for actual thrills or even a remotely satisfying gameplay loop… well, your chances of being thrilled are dead!
Not even a Medium,
Mikhail
Verdict: 4/10