Better left dead on the side of the highway
The video game equivalent to Tommy Wiseau’s The Room (2003)
How? HOW?!
That was the question echoing in my brain every five seconds while playing this… game. How did this Frankenstein’s monster of half-baked ideas, broken mechanics, and jaw-droppingly awful execution see the light of day? Once in a generation, we get a game so irredeemably terrible, so hilariously inept, that it transcends bad and becomes a work of accidental comedy genius.
Enter: Ride to Hell: Retribution.
Let’s be clear — this isn’t just a bad game. This is a game that crash-landed onto shelves in a flaming heap of smoldering wreckage and was immediately immortalized as one of the worst games ever made.
A bottom-of-the-barrel action-adventure that tries to tell a gritty tale of biker gangs and the grimy criminal underworld. You know, cashing in on that Sons of Anarchy wave back when every other guy was growing a beard and pretending he knew how to fix a Harley.
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On paper, it sounds like a slam dunk: Grand Theft Auto on a motorcycle. How do you mess that up? Turns out, quite easily. Ride to Hell doesn’t just fail; it fails so spectacularly that it almost feels intentional. Bugs, glitches, and mechanics that feel like they were coded by someone who learned game design from a three-minute YouTube tutorial.
This game is a flaming train wreck of stiff combat, wonky physics, and dialogue so cringeworthy it might as well come with a warning label for secondhand embarrassment.
But we’re just getting started.
Ride to Hell tells the story of Jake Conway, a Vietnam vet trying to readjust to civilian life with the help of his family. But when his brother — a character so forgettable I genuinely can’t be bothered to name him — crosses paths with a dangerous biker gang, he gets taken out, and Jake sets off on a blood-soaked revenge tour filled with explosions, bullets, and forced romance. On paper, it’s a grindhouse flick waiting to happen. In reality, it’s a dumpster fire of missed potential.
The game is a third-person shooter, and I stress the word “extremely” when describing how broken the shooting — or combat — or bike riding — or anything really — is. The gunplay is a mess: every single gun sounds the same, aiming is clunky beyond belief, and the cover system is more half-hearted than a deflated birthday balloon.
Melee combat? Somehow worse. The combo system is hilariously unpolished, and trying to land a full combo feels like rubbing two bricks together. One exploit is particularly unforgettable: an unblockable, infinite kick. Yes, you can literally just keep kicking enemies until they drop. It takes a while, but it’s unintentionally hilarious to witness.
The bike riding segments? Absolutely shameless padding. You can’t turn around or reverse, so every time you hit something, the game teleports you forward like a confused GPS with a personal vendetta.
I’ve never seen such poorly designed driving mechanics in a game. Ever.
Completely unnecessary to the plot are these “side missions” where Jake saves women from harassment. In theory, it could’ve added some depth. In practice, it’s a tone-deaf, laughably awkward mess. After being “rescued,” the women reward Jake… by immediately engaging in a love scene. Every single time. No buildup. No context. Just instant, awkward intimacy. The portrayal of women and masculinity in this game is so offensively juvenile, it makes Jerry Springer look like Masterpiece Theatre.
The whole time I kept asking: Why? How?
How did this happen?
The answer: they were trying to salvage the unsalvageable. Ride to Hell: Retribution started life as an open-world sandbox, co-developed by Deep Silver and Eutechnyx. But when Deep Silver backed out (shocking, I know), Eutechnyx was left holding the bag — and let’s just say they didn’t quite have the strength to carry it.
With a looming deadline, they cobbled together what they had, scraped it off the floor, dumped it on a plate, and served it up anyway.
Honestly? I shudder to imagine how much worse it could’ve been had they stuck with the original open-world vision.
That said — Eutechnyx, hats off to you. You didn’t just make a bad game. You made a game so astoundingly, memorably bad that it loops back around into something kind of special. It’s a marvel of how not to make a video game. A true case study. A comedic masterpiece in the disguise of a digital disaster.
Take a bow. You’ve earned it.
Stay cool,
Fil
Verdict: 1/10
OpenCritic Rating
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