Where to even begin? I have watched as video gaming has grown from a niche pastime to one of the most titanic industries that exists today. Within this incredible medium, developers who wish to create art that attempts to emotionally resonate with the player are given a difficult task. I’ve played games that have made me want to snap my controller in half like a Kat-Kat such as Dark Souls; yet still I gravitate towards its alluring world. I’ve played games that have moved grown men, myself included, to tears- such as Red Dead Redemption 2. I’ve even played games that have completely challenged my entire worldview, but I’ll save that for another time. Although, I’ve never played a game so hilariously bad that I was in total disbelief listening to it while simultaneously wondering if I was going completely insane! That is until I booted up Rogue Warrior.
The gaming market has been FLOODED with military shooters for ages. How can one possibly stand out in this genre and address this issue? Well, Rogue Warrior does not answer this question. Even the fucking title lacks any sort of imagination. The box art too looks like a stock image found on a low-effort recruitment ad. The studio that’s responsible for this stir-fried dogshit is Rebellion. Now wait a minute… Rebellion also makes the Sniper Elite series; I like those games! Surely they’re capable of making quality products. So what the hell went wrong here? This is a game that not only fails, it fails MISERABLY! Everything you think a game can do wrong, this game does in strides.
Each level is as forgettable and derivative as the last. The character models are stiff and lifeless. Even on the hardest difficulty, the enemies are hardly ever a challenge because enemy AI are as dumb as a bag of hammers. Opponents often get stuck between walls, or simply run aimlessly around like a chicken with its head cleavered off. Every weapon in the game feels like a fucking used nerf gun you’d find at a yard sale. The story is about as engaging as a documentary on grass clippings. The graphics are insultingly subpar, looking like an early Nintendo Wii game. This game came out in 2009, the same year as visual spectacles such as Uncharted 2, Infamous, Batman: Arkham Asylum and Assassins Creed 2, yet this looks like a hot dumpster fire of pixelated diarrhea. To top that all off, the game is shorter than your average game of Twister, which makes me feel like the developers owe a written apology and full-refund to anyone who actually bought it. Are you seriously telling me someone out there spent $60 on this?! I played it for free and I still feel ripped off. There was a multiplayer component packaged in but I don’t think many bothered with it after that pitiful fucking campaign. I’ve seen birthday parties with higher attendance.
Despite all of this, there is a silver lining…
Rogue Warrior is bad. It’s one of the worst games I’ve ever played, but holy hell, its a trip. Actor Mickey Rourke, whom I doubt even recalls doing this, is cast as real-life Navy Seal figure Richard “Dick” Marcinko. Dick talks like if you gave a 12-year-old brat in a Call of Duty lobby the voice of a 50-year-old divorced chainsmoker. Almost every time you take out an enemy, be it through stealth-knife kills or just shooting them, Dick utters some of the most absurd and unnecessary trash-talk I’ve ever heard in a video game. It’s like he has a very severe case of tourettes. “Goddamn Cockbreath Commie Mother Fucker!”, or “Suck my balls, my hairy fucking big balls. Wrap them around your fucking mouth!”- (I’m not making this up lol). This caught me completely off guard that I thought I was hearing voices. It’s so preposterously juvenile, and I love every second of it. (What can I say? I’m a sick fuck). The game received negative reception for its over-the-top profanity, but I would say it’s the only saving grace. If you’re to play the game with the volume muted, then it has ZERO redeeming qualities. The excessive vulgarity could kill an elephant before the end of the first level if you made a drinking game out of it.
In no way can I, in good faith, recommend this game. However, I don’t regret that I played through it. It was short and good for some laughs. I wouldn’t say the developers succeeded in the areas they would have liked to. In fact, they pretty much fucked up in every regard. The experience still left an impact, which is more than can be said for most. Laughter is a gift to humanity and exists to lift our spirits up. Rogue Warrior is broken, messy, ugly trash, but it’s joyful trash.
Final Verdict: 2/10 (+1pt cuz it gives lulz)
Chao,
Mikhail Manfredo & Fil Zahnko
Sacralised
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