A steaming pile of bollocks
The hype around The Order: 1886 was like being promised a blowjob from a supermodel and instead getting a limp-wristed handshake from Ron Jeremy. I remember the trailers showing off gorgeous visuals and an original setting (at the time), making us think we were about to play the next big thing in gaming. Instead, we got a linear, 5-hour snooze-fest with cardboard weapons and more quick-time events than you could shake a cane at. The story was about as deep as a puddle of horse-piss, like watching a shitty movie with no payoff. The entire game shoves you down narrow-as-fuck corridors like your on a dogleash and never grants you any sense of freedom. Ultimately, it was a beautiful lie wrapped in Victorian clothes. A mangled corpse dressed in a shiny tuxedo left by Jack the Ripper.
How in the deep-fried beer-battered fuck do you make a game that features Nikola fucking Telsa boring?!!! The man gave us wireless electricity and death rays, and SOMEHOW, you turned him into a glorified gadget vendor with all the excitement of an orphan begging for a ha’penny. When the game dropped, I was hyped as a coal miner strolling down London’s redlight district, but within an hour of playing, that enthusiasm collapsed like the London Bridge. What the fuck is this shit?! How do you take steampunk, the Victornian-era, and goddamn werewolves and make it feel like watching paint dry on Charles Dickens’ saggy asshole? “Please Sir, may I have some more?”, “NO YOU FUCKING CAN’T!” – said The Rubbish: 1886.
This game contained all of the ingredients to make something legendary- steampunk, werewolves, secret societies, Nikola fucking Tesla! – and instead it ended up being as bland as a stale crumpet with no tea. The world looks like it could’ve been fascinating to explore but grants you about as much freedom as a hostage situation. Every chapter of the game holds tightly onto your hand like the Ghost of Christmas-yet-to-come showing you your own tombstone. All of the weapons appear so sleek and innovative, yet when you handle them they feel like a rusty pea-shooter at a carnival game that is rigged for you to lose. The game is one-step away from being an interactive movie- and a really shit one at that. There’s almost ZERO room for creativity when it comes to combat scenarios. You spend five hours mowing down small waves of enemies with your janky steampunk Nerf guns, only for the game to end on a cliffhanger… Maybe we’ll explain everything in the sequel… Oh wait- this game was total ass, and there isn’t one! It’s been 10 years and no one gives a toss.
The BOREder: 1886 struts in looking sexy– dark, gritty and dripping with steampunk swagger- but once you start playing you realize it has the same charm as Tiny Tim’s empty chair on Christmas morning. It dangles this rich and gorgeous atmosphere in front of you and then quickly slaps it away like the schoolmaster when you ask for more porridge. It’s like a show car with no engine or interior. It’s like a horse-and-buggy with no bloody horse! It’s like the developers gifted us a beautifully wrapped present, and when you opened it, there’s just a sticky note saying, “Go fuck yourself”.
Beware, the werewolf of feeble slop,
Mikhail
Verdict: 4/10