The Order: 1886

A steampunk pile of drek

The hype around The Order: 1886 was like being promised a kiss from a supermodel and instead getting a limp-wristed handshake from your middle school lunch lady. I remember the trailers showing off gorgeous visuals and an original setting (at the time), making us think we were about to play the next big thing in gaming. Instead, we got a linear, 5-hour snooze-fest with cardboard weapons and more quick-time events than you could shake a cane at.

The story was about as deep as a puddle of horse-pee, like watching a low-budget movie with no payoff. The entire game shoves you down narrow-as-heck corridors like you’re on a dog leash and never grants you any sense of freedom. Ultimately, it was a beautiful lie wrapped in Victorian clothes. A mangled corpse dressed in a shiny tuxedo left by Jack the Ripper. 

How in the deep-fried, beer-battered blazes do you make a game that features Nikola flipping Tesla boring?!! The man gave us wireless electricity and death rays, and SOMEHOW, you turned him into a glorified gadget vendor with all the excitement of an orphan begging for a ha’penny. When the game dropped, I was hyped as a coal miner strolling down London’s red-light district, but within an hour of playing, that enthusiasm collapsed like the London Bridge. 

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What is this mess?! How do you take steampunk, the Victorian era, and literal werewolves and make it feel like watching paint dry on Charles Dickens’ saggy backside? “Please Sir, may I have some more?”, “NO YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT!” — said The Rubbish: 1886. 

This game contained all of the ingredients to make something legendary — steampunk, werewolves, secret societies, Nikola blasted Tesla! — and instead it ended up being as bland as a stale crumpet with no tea. The world looks like it could’ve been fascinating to explore but grants you about as much freedom as a hostage situation. Every chapter of the game holds tightly onto your hand like the Ghost of Christmas-yet-to-come showing you your own tombstone. 

All of the weapons appear so sleek and innovative, yet when you handle them they feel like a rusty pea-shooter at a carnival game that is rigged for you to lose. The game is one step away from being an interactive movie — and a really bad one at that. There’s almost ZERO room for creativity when it comes to combat scenarios. You spend five hours mowing down small waves of enemies with your janky steampunk Nerf guns, only for the game to end on a cliffhanger… Maybe we’ll explain everything in the sequel… Oh wait — this game flopped, and there isn’t one! It’s been 10 years and no one gives a hoot.

The BOREder: 1886 struts in looking sexy — dark, gritty and dripping with steampunk swagger — but once you start playing you realize it has the same charm as Tiny Tim’s empty chair on Christmas morning. It dangles this rich and gorgeous atmosphere in front of you and then quickly slaps it away like the schoolmaster when you ask for more porridge. It’s like a show car with no engine or interior. It’s like a horse-and-buggy with no flipping horse! It’s like the developers gifted us a beautifully wrapped present, and when you opened it, there’s just a sticky note saying, “Kindly get lost.”

Beware, the werewolf of feeble slop,

Mikhail

Verdict: 4/10

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Order:_1886