Where in the hell is my Snowboard Kids 3?! I know there is an audience of superior-minded gamers out there who agree that SBK is the most Chad split-screen racing game ever made. Released exclusively on the Nintendo-64 in the late 1990s, Snowboard Kids is the less popular albeit better alternative to Mario-Kart. While I do enjoy the occasional violent tussle of spiked blue turtle shells in a Mario-Kart circuit, there is something that has always been infinitely more alluring about the bratty, big-nosed shredding rascals.
The reason that I think the Game of the Year awards are a total dog-and-pony show is because everyone always ends up arguing over what is the best game of said year; yet this is nonsense because the greatest game ever made has already been released. In all seriousness though, when I was a little lad, Snowboard Kids 1 just kind of appeared in my cartridge collection. This cute little racer, with gameplay that is essentially identical to Mario-Kart, provided endless replayability. You can even play it easily on an emulator right now if you’re some sick pirating bastard who eats orphans. Snowboard Kids 1 was made by a little Osaka-based developer named Racdym. To draw attention to my first question of this article, and I paraphrase, “Where the FUCK is my Snowboard Kids 3?!” (See above), Racdym has apparently been sitting on their asses and/or playing pin the tail on the donkey at their headquarters instead of making Snowboard Kids 3 for the last two-and-a-half decades. Look, I’m not mad at you Racdym, I just miss you is all.
I’ve always been drawn to snowboarding games despite being useless at the real sport itself. SSX, Amped and semi-more recently, Steep, are all quality in their own right, but the true God amongst these tricky titans will always be yours truly. Snowboard Kids, like I said, is a Mario-Kart clone. There is the distinction of when you reach the end of a lap and have to restart with all the kids competing for the chairlift ride by aggressively dogpiling onto it like a pigeons fighting over a Pop-Tart. You will get a large assortment of items purchased through boxes scattered on the course to assist you on the racetrack. If you suck at the game and don’t have enough money, you’ll smack the poor child head first into a solidified item box; so learn some sweet tricks you monster. A ‘motorized-fan’ for a speed-boost, a ‘ghost’ to fuck with whoevers in first place by slowing them down or ‘invisibility’ for a chance to dodge incoming shots at you. The “shots” are the weapons you use against your rivals. Where Mario-Kart has turtle shells, ink blotches, banana peels and bombs we instead get snowmen, pans, ice blocks and… well, bombs. And fuck those bombs by the way. I’ve ‘gotten-good’ over the years, but I remember as a kid they’re the lousiest weapon in the game as when you try to use them against an opponent, almost 90% of the time you will completely fuck yourself over in the blast radius. My personal favorite is firing a parachute at someone, especially Linda, just before a large cliff and being satisfied as she slowly descends helplessly out of the sky while getting knocked back to last place. Serves you right, you two-timing bitch.
Actually every character does have their own unique personalities and descriptions, in addition to their player stats. There’s Jam – the master trickster who likes hip-hop and looks like he’s got a Cuban-cigar for a nose. Nancy- the sweet and innocent one dressed as a pink rabbit and goes about the same speed as a turtle with arthritis. Tommy – the bubbly and spirited fatass whose weight attributes to his high velocity but is too busy wolfing down cheeseburgers to learn how to turn properly or perform any useful tricks. Slash – the balanced-playstyled cool kid with spiky hair and is just kind of a dick. And Linda- the snobby princess who literally lives in a castle and inappropriately sports a red-bra and leopard pants despite being an 11-year-old. There’s Mr. Dog, who you can’t play until the 2nd game, but he will always be there to shine up and enhance your board’s designs and boost its stats. Additionally, you can unlock this secret ninja-kid, by placing first on every track, called Shinobin. Although, he’s so wildly OP that the game becomes a joke.
The first game features 9 main racetracks. Well, technically there’s 10 but Animal-Land is exclusive to the trick minigame and is about as short as one of the 7-Dwarfs at an Andre the Giant lookalike contest. Unlike many racing games at the time, Snowboard Kids 1 & 2 feature tracks with lots of interactive elements. These include ramps, moving obstacles, and environmental hazards like falling rocks, avalanches or even a pumpkin that shoots ice at you, because why the hell not? Contrary to what you’ll hear from real life snowboarders, the controls are easy to learn but difficult to master. I’ve seen my friends who’ve never played this game struggle against the enemy AI and perform tricks. This was one of the first games I ever played so I think I’ve become adept and blinded towards its learning curve. Each track becomes increasingly more challenging than the last. Although, I remember Dizzy-Land being the biggest pain in the tuchus. Maybe there was a free Big-Mac for coming in first because Tommy was always such a try-hard on that level. The difficulty eases up and then fluctuates toward the last couple races after the grueling Quicksand-Valley. Actually, the final unlocked race on Ninja-Land against Shinobin isn’t so bad. It’s not a cake walk but I think you’ll have much more of a struggle wrestling Tommy on Dizzy-Land for that Big-Mac.
One of the most celebrated facets of Snowboard Kids 1 & 2 is the score. The soundtrack is perhaps the most memorable aspect of the games. I still listen to it regularly as it’s beautifully nostalgic. Every single race has a catchy track to musically pair with the charming visuals. My personal favorite is Big-Snowman. Something about it, especially moving out west near the Colorado Rockies as an adult, has stayed nested in my soul from childhood. The unexpected quality of the music in these games and the emotional resonance from it has stuck with fans decades on.
Snowboard Kids 2 is a far stretch from an open-world, but it does have a very cozy little hub-world. You’re free to roam around and interact with other characters, hurling insults at them or just flipping them off I suppose. You enter each building of the town with the intent to play the story mode, do minigames, jam out to the banger soundtrack or touch up your boards by paying a visit to our favorite Mr. Dog. With additions to the cast, new game modes, expanded upon weapon and item arsenal and implementing story cutscenes- it isn’t anything revolutionary but it made the sequel all the more engaging. You can now, with perfect timing, ricochet shots fired at you through a jump and board-grab, which is difficult to learn but is about the most satisfying thing one can experience, especially if it’s against Linda. The main antagonist is the literal son of Satan. Little demon-spawn Damien is always getting the short end of the stick throughout the entire narrative, until finally you face him on the unlocked track, Ice-Land. I didn’t realize how fucking unoriginal this track title was until just now. Once you best Damien (Good luck lol), you fight his robot-boss, which I think was a little tacked on. In fact, there are several bosses throughout the game. It’s a mixed bag. Some are fine like the big evil snowman you have to melt with bombs before you reach finish line. However, there’s one level where you have to race a fucking T-Rex and it’s about as enjoyable as a flesh wound.
I could go on, but I think I’ve touched upon everything important. Snowboard Kids 1 & 2 are all time favorite classics and always will be. They’re comfort games. I would love to see a Snowboard Kids 3 before the second coming of Christ but I bet Half-Life 3 is more probable. If we ever gain significant traction on this site I will personally contribute to the funding of Snowboard Kids 3’s development. I wish for it to be in the same goofy, cardboard fashion while maintaining its signature style and charm. Racdym- if you ever find this, please make this a reality.
Chao,
Mikhail
Verdict: Both 12/10 (Peak human experiences)
Sacralised
Can there be a 12 out of 10??